What I've Learned from Crime Shows

Ocassionally, I get insomnia. My eyes are too tired to watch TV so I listen to crime shows. Every word is broadcast with lots of drama so need to watch. I've learned a lot. Keep in mind that these helpful hints are based on true events.

How to get caught:

• Leave your cigarette butts at the scene.
• Leave your beer cans at the scene. (Side note: beer cans are tracked by 15 minute lots)
• Video tape your crime taking place.
• Talk to your incarcerated partner about the crime on a recorded phone line. 
• Go into a store that has video surveillance and buy duct tape and bleach.
• Return to the scene...especially to help locate a missing victim.
• Google "how to commit the perfect crime"
• Kill your spouse while you are on Match.com.
• Leave your cell phone on with its GPS capabilities when commiting crimes. 
• Drive your vehicle with a body in it across toll roads or bridges with surveillance.
• Burn victims remains in your back yard barbecue pit.
• Just happen to have replaced the carpet, washed the car, or cleaned the entire house with bleach when the cops show up.

Things to ensure you do not easily become a victim of a violent crime:

• Don't be a stripper.
• Don't have an 'estranged' husband.
• Make sure your bra and panties do not match.
• Never open the door to:
• strangers
• your stalker
• your troubled teen and their signficant other that just got kicked out of another home
• your troubled niece or nephew
• your own grown overly entitled children
• Never talk about:
• the money you have in the bank or the big check you just got
• the money you hide in your house.
• your big life insurance policy
• Never have enough life insurance that the beneficiary will never have to work again.
• Be wary of all your neighbors or anyone with a view of your living quarters.
• Never let any one in the house to use your phone.
• Do not walk up to talk to a stranger in a car, or especially a van. As a matter of fact, never associate with anyone that owns a van. 

Things to know about stalkers:

• NEVER, I mean never, agree to meet with your stalker to talk about the situation. You will be killed immediately.
• There is not much you can do when you have a stalker except be afraid the rest of your life.
• When a stalker questions your whereabouts, be afraid.  They have already installed a GPS tracking system on your car.
• The judge may provide you with a protective or restraining order. This just makes your stalker really mad.
• When your stalker breaks the restraining order, and you go to court, the judge will thoroughly peave your stalker by putting them in jail for 6-14 days. Then, your stalker will leave jail and kill you.

Happy Friday! Keep it safe.

Paleo breakfast casserole FAIL

My daughter told me she wanted to do the Paleo diet so I thought I would do it too. As a side note, she told me she cheated the other morning. She ate three donuts and two Kolaches. I was like "That is not a cheat. A cheat is one donut. That was an all out binge".

I have been looking at new recipes. Well I found a breakfast casserole that sounded awesome on www.paleogrubs.com. I bought coconut milk and almond flour (because I could not find the recommended coconut flour). You are supposed to create a crust and bake it on parchment paper. 

First, I accidentally spilled half of the egg/flour mix on the floor. I could not find parchment paper at the store so I just figured it was now called wax paper instead. I spread the mixture that did not land on the floor onto the wax paper and put it into the oven. Immediately, my oven started smoking, but a little smoke does not scare me. I quickly Googled "Can I bake on wax paper?" Ummmm. The answer was no. So now I have wax paper and have no idea what it is good for. I threw my burning paper and crust away.

My pizza cassserole has no pizza crust. So here is what I ended up making.

• I cooked the bacon.
• I wilted spinach in the bacon grease.
• I added onions and garlic to pan and cooked it.
• I put the bacon on a plate.
• I layered diced tomatoes and spinach mix.
• I then added sliced avocado, chives, black pepper, and a squeeze of lime.

 It was way yummy. So much for the pizza part.